At our July women’s group Jude summed up life with these three choices. They made sense to me. I knew these in myself. I wrote them down and have been noticing them ever since.
And boy, do I. I think this way. All. Of. The. Time.
“What do I need to do?” I feel tired.
“What should I do?” I feel exhausted.
“I finally I got that done, but look at all I didn’t get done.” I feel beaten.
It’s hard to get out of bed some mornings.
I believed that when the kids were launched I would have all kinds of time on my hands. That I would get it all done, whatever it was that needed doing. Maybe I would even be bored. That I would entertain myself by organizing my junk drawer.
I am not keeping up with my list of to do’s. I cannot even close my junk drawer.
I have down sized twice in the last 5 years so I have much less than I ever did. I kinda like this. I live in a small home that will not tolerate a lot of stuff. This reality supports minimal accumulation. It makes window shopping bittersweet…I see something I love and want, knowing it will truly make my life complete, but, remind myself there is no place to put it, hang it, or prop it. I walk away…sad for not having, relieved that that purchase will not be on my next months Visa bill.
However, I have cleverly rectified this dilemma by disguising my consumerism as necessary home improvement projects. Depending on the day and my mood this list can be quite long. My have and my do are a formidable couple.
I was visiting with a friend yesterday and while we talked I was gathering home improvement ideas from her place. I mused that maybe I would rip out our wrought iron banister, explaining I never was a fan of wrought iron and by replacing it with wood, like her’s, it would warm up our place. Laura said she kind of liked wrought iron, she said she thought it looked clean. I remembered she has an iron coffee table and end table. Then she said, “I don’t know, you could do that, maybe you are made of money and that is not a consideration.”
Thank you Jesus. Or Laura. Those words cut right through my need to have. My budget and my sensibility rose to the surface. I felt relieved. Less to pay for and less to do.
I went home and appreciated my wrought iron bannister in a whole new way.
There is sooo much written on this state of mind. It is unarguably the way to be (no pun intended). But, man, is it hard to do (hah, another pun).
I have been mulling around the idea of how to turn my to do list into a want list so I can be more in the moment while doing it. Still with me?
If I do what I do, fully doing it, then I will be. Got that?
So when I am finished writing this post I plan to weed my garden. Weeding is not one of my favorite activities. I wish I were one of those people that feel contentment yanking and sweating and clipping, but I am not. However, I do walk through my garden every time I leave the house, often stopping to admire it, amazed with myself for creating such a spot of beauty, so I want it to look good.
I found my want. I want to pull weeds, tend to my garden, restore it to beauty. It is no longer a to do, but a want.
I consider calling my friend Heidi while I garden since we have been playing phone tag…you know, kill two birds with one stone (bad garden metaphor). I quickly remind myself that multitasking is not conducive to being.
I decide to just garden, to be fully in the moment, pulling weeds, clipping plants, sweating like a women in menopause; not thinking about the next chore to be done.
Wish me luck…
My garden looks beautiful. I still didn’t love the job, but I love the result both in the garden and in myself.
I was fully in my moment, BEING while I was DOING.